Coming to Terms with the Gay in Me

WARNING.

This is going to be a very honest blog post.

If you aren't up for such a thing, stop reading now.

Okay, you're in it to win it, so let's talk about this.

Internalized homophobia.

I got it. I suffer from it.

I really do.

GEEE I WONDER WHYYYYYY

When I reflect on my life, I can see and KNOW that from a really, really, really young age, I liked girls (and boys, but that's not what this is about).

My first kiss was with a girl. Actually, a group of girls, in 4th grade. We all decided to 'practice' kissing with each other. It went on for quite a few delicious minutes. I can remember wanting to keep on keeping on, and the rest of the girls were ready to move on to choreographing a dance, or playing dress up with our fluorescent ties.

I think that was my first feeling of 'rejection' from a female.

This continued into middle school. There was a girl in 7th grade that I had a mad crush on, who I wanted to be around all the time, hold her hand, gaze at her dark skin and deep brown eyes, but she wasn't into it. I think I made a move. Rejected again. Meanwhile, I was in LOVE with boys all the time. Boy crazy. But again, another post for another time. We are talking about the gayness ya'll.

Again and again, over the years, it seems that I fell into the 'falling in love with your best friend' trap. And every time, my best friend was 'straight' or just not into it. In college, my best friend and I ended up drunk and totally did it on the bathroom floor, but called it 'experimental' the next day and both moved on to the next male.  When I remember that morning after, I remember feeling deeply heartbroken that she wasn't experiencing and expressing feelings of love for me. I denied mine. (Side note, the next year she had a girlfriend. Ouch.)

Since college years, I've been dating male after male, always knowing that I could NOT DIE without the experience of being with a female on a romantic level.

Here we are, I'm 41 and I have finally met a woman that is into me.!!! APPLAUSE!

She loves me back, I'm wildly attracted to her, and we are in relationship. Nicole and I have been together now for over a year, and it is the most peaceful, mature, loving relationship I've ever had.

Does this mean I'm gay? (AHHHHHH!!!!!! Screaming, running around, denial melting)

I'm pretty sure I'm mostly homoromantic (a phrase I've recently discovered that means I fall deeper in LOVE with women), but I'm 100% sure I'm bisexual.

On to the homophobia.

When the ruling for gay marriage came through yesterday, I felt it bubble up.

I got goosebumps, and tears welled up, and I felt a VICTORIOUS feeling come over me.

But...then...I also felt....

Wait, this is wrong! We are wrong! Hell! Brimstone!

I am ASHAMED, deeply ASHAMED that these thoughts came up. I know SO many amazing gay couples that this ruling DEEPLY affects in MANY ways. So please please understand that my CONSCIOUS mind was not thinking these things. It was my subconscious, my programming.

What's fascinating about this is that I grew up Jewish. So I had no ideas of HELL programmed into me by my religious upbringing. But the society I grew up in, redneck Florida, was super helly and Christ-ey. So deep in the back of my mind, I must have learned that gay is wrong. Jews are sort of grandfathered into heaven (chosen and all), so being Jewish was never a problem for me personally (I have TONS of friends persecuted for being Jewish - another blog for another time), but gay!? JESUS.  (pun intended) Bad.

I have been in the theater my whole life. My world is saturated with gayness. I LOVE the gay. I live the gay. I AM the gay. RuPaul is my SHERO. Alix Olson and Ani Difranco brought me up. I know every word to "Galileo."

So what's the problem.

WHAT'S the problem.

WHAT IS THIS SHIT> There's a part of me that thinks I'm wrong, bad, just plain...sinful.

I HATE THIS.

BUT.

I think admitting it, and talking about it, unearthing it, bringing it into the LIGHT will get a conversation about self-hate, self-judgment going. And this is what I desire. I want to hear about your own struggle with your sexuality. Feeling alone in this is scary and weird. I called my sister yesterday, panicked.

"I NEED A RABBI!" - Rabbi Jenny (my sissy) to the rescue.

I said, "I feel wrong being gay."

IN TEARS.

She told me that I was coming out late in life, and that I had always been afraid and that this is a very intense time for me. She assured me that it is in no way 'wrong' in the 'eyes of God,' and that it simply IS. God is love, and gayness is a part of the DIVINE nature of life.

And I believe this. OF COURSE I FUCKING BELIEVE THIS. HELLO, have you met me!?!?!?!? But I have to confront these weird thoughts, and talk about them with my people.

I know that yesterday was an HISTORICAL day. And I'm SO proud to be American. And I'm proud of the love I have with Nicole. But I'm also tortured at times with my own self-condemnation from a society that tells me I'm wrong, I'm going to hell, and it's not NATURAL.

This morning I googled 'science and homosexuality.' Taking action against my fear.

And I found so many cool things about the gay.

There are so many different flavors of gay in the animal kingdom. We are not the only species that experiences homo love. And I know this. I've read this before. But I read more about it, again reminding myself that there's nothing WRONG with me. And there's certainly nothing wrong with YOU.

Thank you for listening, and being here with me through this intense, hopeful, transformative, trying but amazing time.

Congratulations to my friends who are ready to get married, and to those friends already married that are now legal everywhere. It is truly awesome.

With rainbow flavored love,

Amy

IMPORTANT P.S. I am not writing this so that my religious Christian friends can in any way exacerbate my fear. Please, if you happen to agree that I am bad and gay is wrong and hell is real, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT respond to this. Do not write anything even slightly resembling that. This is what I'm trying to HEAL from. Thank you.

First Father's Day Without My Daddy

Tears streaming down my face. Today I've felt off. Just a pit in the stomach feeling most of the day. I know why. It's the first Father's Day without my Daddy.

In the past, this day has been one where I felt so extremely lucky to have the Dad I have. Almost in an 'in yo face' kind of way. My Dad was the BEST. My Dad was better than your dad. Period. Better than all dads ever.

And now he's gone.

I know, he lives on in my heart and my memory, but I will never see his big hands again, or hear one of his super terrible deliveries of a joke. He will never tell me I'm "AWESOME" again, and I won't get to be with him as an old man, which I always strangely looked forward to for some reason.

Remembering my Daddy, I have a few great memories that pop into my head.

His love of cars, and how that got passed on to me - classic cars in particular. For my 16th birthday he got me an Impala convertible, which I would DIE for today, but I HATED it, mostly because I thought it was too big, and my butt was big, and I'd just be the big girl in the big car, and that's a whole other blog. But, my Dad, without even flinching, went out and got me what I wanted (spoiled brat, but it WAS an amazing price) a '69 convertible Camaro. I WISH I STILL HAD THAT CAR!

Learning how to ride a bike, and his helping me with that. The freedom that came from riding my bike, this came from my Dad. I can almost smell the air and feel the feeling of freedom, when the training wheels came off. It's a vague memory, but a great one.

My mom and my dad dancing at all of our bar/bat mitzvahs, and my sister and my brothers weddings. The way they soared around the dance floor. When my Dad would get in the center of the circle, a little drunk, and the smile he had so big on his handsome face.

So many great memories. I drove this man nuts as a teen. I'm sorry, Dad. I was a shit.

Thank you.

I miss you.

I'm sad.

I love you.

Happy Father's Day

Humble Tumbleweed

Back from my trip out west, I am humbled once again by life and it's treasures.

So many things happened in 10 days! It's almost hard to really explain the journey. I was able to facilitate my first retreat, with 52 women, in a breathtaking location in MacKenzie Bridge, Oregon. Also, I was gifted with the opportunity to lead a Meditation Service the following week, as well as perform twice and offer music for a Sunday Service in Portland.

Every piece of this trip was humbling in the best way.

During the retreat I felt like a tumbleweed. The wind of circumstance was blowing me all over the place, and at first I had a hard time finding bearings. But when I let go, with the help of the MANY amazing women, I was able to ride the wind and let the offerings come through me.

What a blessing to be able to let go and let the wings of LOVE carry me.

I was able to be a part of a satsang with Tigmonk as well, which was SO eye opening and from it came a hilarious new poem about Being Present. An extremely humbling experience.

Seeing the Western Women in my life was extremely healing for me as well. My lesbian moms, Gladys and Jade provided a backdrop for me to really create my own space, while providing loving arms to fall into, not to mention a hot tub under the night sky. Radiant, Shelley, and Mary Kay, are the three women who complete my coven in Oregon, and through them I really learned how to even more deeply love friends. Thank you, ladies. Laura and Elora in Portland really remind me how very much support I have in this Universe. Laura is my soul mirror an Elora is a healing witch. I LOVE YOU. So many others touched my soul during this trip. Thank you, everyone.

Letting go, even further now, as I rejoin my world here in North Carolina. Reentry can be a bitch for me, thinking I need to be somewhere else, after being a traveling arteest. But I know I'm EXACTLY where I need to be and I'm filled with gratitude for my partner, Nicole, our fur babies, and our gorgeous home.

Sending, receiving, and being love,

Amy