Major revelation yesterday evening as I was cleaning off the extremely cluttered dresser top.
A month or so ago, I rearranged the furniture in our bedroom to shift the energy around and to get my head away from the wall closest to the neighbor's blasting music. In moving the king sized bed to the front wall, I was able to clear window access and create an all around better flow.
The long antique dresser that my partner, Nicole, is unwilling to part with, and is actually quite beautiful, albeit cumbersome, is now the focal point when you enter the bedroom. I decided that I would always keep it really clear with a few pictures on it and a necklace tree. Simple, beautiful, welcoming.
About this time, I became entranced with essential oils and decided to dive into sharing them and building a business that I am so excited about I could squeal. The right side of the dresser top has become filled with oils, stickers, body butters I am creating, ideas, materials, and JOY.
So last night as I was straightening it up - the left side had collected laundry, pillows, some papers and other clutter - I had a wave of gratitude and awareness sweep over me. I became aware of this:
The space I had cleared was full of bliss. But it might not have happened if I hadn't cleared the space for it to happen. It got me so excited that I really took a lot of care clearing and straightening the area again. I think eventually I will move the oils to an office space, but I just love them and use them so much that I like them in the bedroom.
So my question for you is: what needs to be cleaned or cleared to make space for new exciting bliss in your life?
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Monday, November 9, 2015
Broken Open
Tears.
One of my students, an actor working with me on my original musical, sent me this PSA video he did for school.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AYuK3tW1BY&feature=youtu.be
I can NEVER doubt my affect on the world.
So grateful to be able to combine my musical gifts with teaching, to help create awareness. We all struggle, and we all have a tough time sometimes.
NEVER GIVE UP!
Love,
Amy
One of my students, an actor working with me on my original musical, sent me this PSA video he did for school.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AYuK3tW1BY&feature=youtu.be
I can NEVER doubt my affect on the world.
So grateful to be able to combine my musical gifts with teaching, to help create awareness. We all struggle, and we all have a tough time sometimes.
NEVER GIVE UP!
Love,
Amy
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
The Wind is Boss
Standing outside with the pups, under a quiet grey autumn sky, the leaves are dancing to the ground from the trees. It's beautiful, serene. I can feel myself turning within, listening to the shedding of the world.
As I wait for each leaf to drift down to the ground, I examine the dead leaves still hanging on to the branches. They aren't ready to let go just yet, sweet things. We all have things we aren't ready to let go of yet, don't we? I certainly do.
A gust of wind shimmers in, shaking the massive tree I am standing under, and a dozen or so leaves come tumbling down in a flurry.
The wind isn't bargaining with the leaves. The wind is boss. It says, "LET GO!" And there's no fighting. The leaves have no defense!
This is the time of year where nature is reminding us all how to let go or be dragged.
Sometimes letting go is on my time, when I'm ready, and sometimes outside forces come storming in and force me to make a change. So many times in my life I've had to choose to change or die. Health, relationships, friendships, jobs...they all ask me to let go, let go, let go.
What do you need to surrender to? What is the wind in your life today? Where do you need to let the wind be boss?
As I wait for each leaf to drift down to the ground, I examine the dead leaves still hanging on to the branches. They aren't ready to let go just yet, sweet things. We all have things we aren't ready to let go of yet, don't we? I certainly do.
A gust of wind shimmers in, shaking the massive tree I am standing under, and a dozen or so leaves come tumbling down in a flurry.
The wind isn't bargaining with the leaves. The wind is boss. It says, "LET GO!" And there's no fighting. The leaves have no defense!
This is the time of year where nature is reminding us all how to let go or be dragged.
Sometimes letting go is on my time, when I'm ready, and sometimes outside forces come storming in and force me to make a change. So many times in my life I've had to choose to change or die. Health, relationships, friendships, jobs...they all ask me to let go, let go, let go.
What do you need to surrender to? What is the wind in your life today? Where do you need to let the wind be boss?
Friday, September 4, 2015
Feeling the Feelings
The whole wild rainbow.
All of it.
Euphoria, devastation, peace, distress, excitement, boredom.
All of it. I want it all. I don't want to run from any of it.
It's all a part of the human experience.
All of it.
Euphoria, devastation, peace, distress, excitement, boredom.
All of it. I want it all. I don't want to run from any of it.
It's all a part of the human experience.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Please and Thank You, Robot
Automated. Electronic. Digital. Screens. Impersonal. Disconnected. Connected. Oneness. Separation.
I'm confused!
I found myself saying THANK YOU to an automated service on the phone just now.
WTF.
I guess that's a good thing. I haven't lost my manners. Did I ever have any is the real question. Am I nicer to robots than real people? Are people becoming robots as the robots become people? What is happening to the world as we slip into the digisphere?
Best I can do is TRY to stay off the screens for a few minutes a day. Went to visit Mom for the unveiling of my father's gravestone, very intense, and I remained in Florida for a few days with little to do. So I was almost constantly looking at my phone, my ipad, or tv. My brain is fried!
Last night when I got home, I found myself glued to the fb on my phone to the point where my phone got hot in my hand. What was I looking at? What was I searching for? Is this compulsive?
Unplugging is so important, but it is very difficult for me. Meditation, walking, cooking, reading, writing, playing piano...these are things I need to do more.
Today, I'm going to do my BEST to not be freaking PSYCHOTICally attached to my phone, my fb, my tv, and my ipad. I'm going to walk, breathe, read, meditate, visit with friends and even go to see some LIVE THEATRE! Could you imagine!?
Beep boo beep,
Amy
I'm confused!
I found myself saying THANK YOU to an automated service on the phone just now.
WTF.
I guess that's a good thing. I haven't lost my manners. Did I ever have any is the real question. Am I nicer to robots than real people? Are people becoming robots as the robots become people? What is happening to the world as we slip into the digisphere?
Best I can do is TRY to stay off the screens for a few minutes a day. Went to visit Mom for the unveiling of my father's gravestone, very intense, and I remained in Florida for a few days with little to do. So I was almost constantly looking at my phone, my ipad, or tv. My brain is fried!
Last night when I got home, I found myself glued to the fb on my phone to the point where my phone got hot in my hand. What was I looking at? What was I searching for? Is this compulsive?
Unplugging is so important, but it is very difficult for me. Meditation, walking, cooking, reading, writing, playing piano...these are things I need to do more.
Today, I'm going to do my BEST to not be freaking PSYCHOTICally attached to my phone, my fb, my tv, and my ipad. I'm going to walk, breathe, read, meditate, visit with friends and even go to see some LIVE THEATRE! Could you imagine!?
Beep boo beep,
Amy
Friday, July 24, 2015
Currently in the Current
Sat in meditation recently and asked some really important questions about my future.
Should I go back to school?
Should I teach more? Less?
Should I perform?
And the answers made me laugh out loud.
Spirit within told me that I am right on track. That's right, folks, I'm exactly where I need to be. Where have I heard that one before?
This message is all over my music, my message, and the spiritual path that I am on. Presence, true, authentic presence is where the magic and the answers lie. I don't need to push, force, or pull my way into happy. It's right here, right now, for the taking.
I am so very very blessed. Music, theater, laughter, friendship, family. So many amazing things in life to behold, be grateful for, and celebrate. Why is there this culture of not-enoughism everywhere I look?
Thinner, richer, stronger, faster, MORE MORE MORE MORE.
Exhausting, I tell ya.
I surrender. I surrender into this moment. Into this body, this mind, this NOW. And it's a beautiful place, a beautiful face, and a beautiful feeling.
Thank you, Sweet Spirit, for once again reminding me that ALL is truly WELL.
Should I go back to school?
Should I teach more? Less?
Should I perform?
And the answers made me laugh out loud.
Spirit within told me that I am right on track. That's right, folks, I'm exactly where I need to be. Where have I heard that one before?
This message is all over my music, my message, and the spiritual path that I am on. Presence, true, authentic presence is where the magic and the answers lie. I don't need to push, force, or pull my way into happy. It's right here, right now, for the taking.
I am so very very blessed. Music, theater, laughter, friendship, family. So many amazing things in life to behold, be grateful for, and celebrate. Why is there this culture of not-enoughism everywhere I look?
Thinner, richer, stronger, faster, MORE MORE MORE MORE.
Exhausting, I tell ya.
I surrender. I surrender into this moment. Into this body, this mind, this NOW. And it's a beautiful place, a beautiful face, and a beautiful feeling.
Thank you, Sweet Spirit, for once again reminding me that ALL is truly WELL.
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Coming to Terms with the Gay in Me
WARNING.
This is going to be a very honest blog post.
If you aren't up for such a thing, stop reading now.
Okay, you're in it to win it, so let's talk about this.
Internalized homophobia.
I got it. I suffer from it.
I really do.
GEEE I WONDER WHYYYYYY
When I reflect on my life, I can see and KNOW that from a really, really, really young age, I liked girls (and boys, but that's not what this is about).
My first kiss was with a girl. Actually, a group of girls, in 4th grade. We all decided to 'practice' kissing with each other. It went on for quite a few delicious minutes. I can remember wanting to keep on keeping on, and the rest of the girls were ready to move on to choreographing a dance, or playing dress up with our fluorescent ties.
I think that was my first feeling of 'rejection' from a female.
This continued into middle school. There was a girl in 7th grade that I had a mad crush on, who I wanted to be around all the time, hold her hand, gaze at her dark skin and deep brown eyes, but she wasn't into it. I think I made a move. Rejected again. Meanwhile, I was in LOVE with boys all the time. Boy crazy. But again, another post for another time. We are talking about the gayness ya'll.
Again and again, over the years, it seems that I fell into the 'falling in love with your best friend' trap. And every time, my best friend was 'straight' or just not into it. In college, my best friend and I ended up drunk and totally did it on the bathroom floor, but called it 'experimental' the next day and both moved on to the next male. When I remember that morning after, I remember feeling deeply heartbroken that she wasn't experiencing and expressing feelings of love for me. I denied mine. (Side note, the next year she had a girlfriend. Ouch.)
Since college years, I've been dating male after male, always knowing that I could NOT DIE without the experience of being with a female on a romantic level.
Here we are, I'm 41 and I have finally met a woman that is into me.!!! APPLAUSE!
She loves me back, I'm wildly attracted to her, and we are in relationship. Nicole and I have been together now for over a year, and it is the most peaceful, mature, loving relationship I've ever had.
Does this mean I'm gay? (AHHHHHH!!!!!! Screaming, running around, denial melting)
I'm pretty sure I'm mostly homoromantic (a phrase I've recently discovered that means I fall deeper in LOVE with women), but I'm 100% sure I'm bisexual.
On to the homophobia.
When the ruling for gay marriage came through yesterday, I felt it bubble up.
I got goosebumps, and tears welled up, and I felt a VICTORIOUS feeling come over me.
But...then...I also felt....
Wait, this is wrong! We are wrong! Hell! Brimstone!
I am ASHAMED, deeply ASHAMED that these thoughts came up. I know SO many amazing gay couples that this ruling DEEPLY affects in MANY ways. So please please understand that my CONSCIOUS mind was not thinking these things. It was my subconscious, my programming.
What's fascinating about this is that I grew up Jewish. So I had no ideas of HELL programmed into me by my religious upbringing. But the society I grew up in, redneck Florida, was super helly and Christ-ey. So deep in the back of my mind, I must have learned that gay is wrong. Jews are sort of grandfathered into heaven (chosen and all), so being Jewish was never a problem for me personally (I have TONS of friends persecuted for being Jewish - another blog for another time), but gay!? JESUS. (pun intended) Bad.
I have been in the theater my whole life. My world is saturated with gayness. I LOVE the gay. I live the gay. I AM the gay. RuPaul is my SHERO. Alix Olson and Ani Difranco brought me up. I know every word to "Galileo."
So what's the problem.
WHAT'S the problem.
WHAT IS THIS SHIT> There's a part of me that thinks I'm wrong, bad, just plain...sinful.
I HATE THIS.
BUT.
I think admitting it, and talking about it, unearthing it, bringing it into the LIGHT will get a conversation about self-hate, self-judgment going. And this is what I desire. I want to hear about your own struggle with your sexuality. Feeling alone in this is scary and weird. I called my sister yesterday, panicked.
"I NEED A RABBI!" - Rabbi Jenny (my sissy) to the rescue.
I said, "I feel wrong being gay."
IN TEARS.
She told me that I was coming out late in life, and that I had always been afraid and that this is a very intense time for me. She assured me that it is in no way 'wrong' in the 'eyes of God,' and that it simply IS. God is love, and gayness is a part of the DIVINE nature of life.
And I believe this. OF COURSE I FUCKING BELIEVE THIS. HELLO, have you met me!?!?!?!? But I have to confront these weird thoughts, and talk about them with my people.
I know that yesterday was an HISTORICAL day. And I'm SO proud to be American. And I'm proud of the love I have with Nicole. But I'm also tortured at times with my own self-condemnation from a society that tells me I'm wrong, I'm going to hell, and it's not NATURAL.
This morning I googled 'science and homosexuality.' Taking action against my fear.
And I found so many cool things about the gay.
There are so many different flavors of gay in the animal kingdom. We are not the only species that experiences homo love. And I know this. I've read this before. But I read more about it, again reminding myself that there's nothing WRONG with me. And there's certainly nothing wrong with YOU.
Thank you for listening, and being here with me through this intense, hopeful, transformative, trying but amazing time.
Congratulations to my friends who are ready to get married, and to those friends already married that are now legal everywhere. It is truly awesome.
With rainbow flavored love,
Amy
IMPORTANT P.S. I am not writing this so that my religious Christian friends can in any way exacerbate my fear. Please, if you happen to agree that I am bad and gay is wrong and hell is real, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT respond to this. Do not write anything even slightly resembling that. This is what I'm trying to HEAL from. Thank you.
This is going to be a very honest blog post.
If you aren't up for such a thing, stop reading now.
Okay, you're in it to win it, so let's talk about this.
Internalized homophobia.
I got it. I suffer from it.
I really do.
GEEE I WONDER WHYYYYYY
When I reflect on my life, I can see and KNOW that from a really, really, really young age, I liked girls (and boys, but that's not what this is about).
My first kiss was with a girl. Actually, a group of girls, in 4th grade. We all decided to 'practice' kissing with each other. It went on for quite a few delicious minutes. I can remember wanting to keep on keeping on, and the rest of the girls were ready to move on to choreographing a dance, or playing dress up with our fluorescent ties.
I think that was my first feeling of 'rejection' from a female.
This continued into middle school. There was a girl in 7th grade that I had a mad crush on, who I wanted to be around all the time, hold her hand, gaze at her dark skin and deep brown eyes, but she wasn't into it. I think I made a move. Rejected again. Meanwhile, I was in LOVE with boys all the time. Boy crazy. But again, another post for another time. We are talking about the gayness ya'll.
Again and again, over the years, it seems that I fell into the 'falling in love with your best friend' trap. And every time, my best friend was 'straight' or just not into it. In college, my best friend and I ended up drunk and totally did it on the bathroom floor, but called it 'experimental' the next day and both moved on to the next male. When I remember that morning after, I remember feeling deeply heartbroken that she wasn't experiencing and expressing feelings of love for me. I denied mine. (Side note, the next year she had a girlfriend. Ouch.)
Since college years, I've been dating male after male, always knowing that I could NOT DIE without the experience of being with a female on a romantic level.
Here we are, I'm 41 and I have finally met a woman that is into me.!!! APPLAUSE!
She loves me back, I'm wildly attracted to her, and we are in relationship. Nicole and I have been together now for over a year, and it is the most peaceful, mature, loving relationship I've ever had.
Does this mean I'm gay? (AHHHHHH!!!!!! Screaming, running around, denial melting)
I'm pretty sure I'm mostly homoromantic (a phrase I've recently discovered that means I fall deeper in LOVE with women), but I'm 100% sure I'm bisexual.
On to the homophobia.
When the ruling for gay marriage came through yesterday, I felt it bubble up.
I got goosebumps, and tears welled up, and I felt a VICTORIOUS feeling come over me.
But...then...I also felt....
Wait, this is wrong! We are wrong! Hell! Brimstone!
I am ASHAMED, deeply ASHAMED that these thoughts came up. I know SO many amazing gay couples that this ruling DEEPLY affects in MANY ways. So please please understand that my CONSCIOUS mind was not thinking these things. It was my subconscious, my programming.
What's fascinating about this is that I grew up Jewish. So I had no ideas of HELL programmed into me by my religious upbringing. But the society I grew up in, redneck Florida, was super helly and Christ-ey. So deep in the back of my mind, I must have learned that gay is wrong. Jews are sort of grandfathered into heaven (chosen and all), so being Jewish was never a problem for me personally (I have TONS of friends persecuted for being Jewish - another blog for another time), but gay!? JESUS. (pun intended) Bad.
I have been in the theater my whole life. My world is saturated with gayness. I LOVE the gay. I live the gay. I AM the gay. RuPaul is my SHERO. Alix Olson and Ani Difranco brought me up. I know every word to "Galileo."
So what's the problem.
WHAT'S the problem.
WHAT IS THIS SHIT> There's a part of me that thinks I'm wrong, bad, just plain...sinful.
I HATE THIS.
BUT.
I think admitting it, and talking about it, unearthing it, bringing it into the LIGHT will get a conversation about self-hate, self-judgment going. And this is what I desire. I want to hear about your own struggle with your sexuality. Feeling alone in this is scary and weird. I called my sister yesterday, panicked.
"I NEED A RABBI!" - Rabbi Jenny (my sissy) to the rescue.
I said, "I feel wrong being gay."
IN TEARS.
She told me that I was coming out late in life, and that I had always been afraid and that this is a very intense time for me. She assured me that it is in no way 'wrong' in the 'eyes of God,' and that it simply IS. God is love, and gayness is a part of the DIVINE nature of life.
And I believe this. OF COURSE I FUCKING BELIEVE THIS. HELLO, have you met me!?!?!?!? But I have to confront these weird thoughts, and talk about them with my people.
I know that yesterday was an HISTORICAL day. And I'm SO proud to be American. And I'm proud of the love I have with Nicole. But I'm also tortured at times with my own self-condemnation from a society that tells me I'm wrong, I'm going to hell, and it's not NATURAL.
This morning I googled 'science and homosexuality.' Taking action against my fear.
And I found so many cool things about the gay.
There are so many different flavors of gay in the animal kingdom. We are not the only species that experiences homo love. And I know this. I've read this before. But I read more about it, again reminding myself that there's nothing WRONG with me. And there's certainly nothing wrong with YOU.
Thank you for listening, and being here with me through this intense, hopeful, transformative, trying but amazing time.
Congratulations to my friends who are ready to get married, and to those friends already married that are now legal everywhere. It is truly awesome.
With rainbow flavored love,
Amy
IMPORTANT P.S. I am not writing this so that my religious Christian friends can in any way exacerbate my fear. Please, if you happen to agree that I am bad and gay is wrong and hell is real, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT respond to this. Do not write anything even slightly resembling that. This is what I'm trying to HEAL from. Thank you.
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