Query Madness

It is SO late.

Too late.

The birds are singing late.



And I am sending out my first e-queries. This is a ginormous undertaking and I had no earthly idea how much was involved with this whole trying-to-find-an-agent thing!!! Oy vey times a gerzillion!

I emailed out fourteen queries (the crowd goes wild), and I'm very proud.

It's important to remember when you are putting your ass out there to be rejected, all the demons come out to play in your head. As long as you keep it all safe in your computer, you are fine...a superstar....a rich novelist (een youuur miiiind)!!!

So, here's the query I sent...hope you likey:

April 11, 2008

Dear sexy agent woman (whomever she may be),

My fans are convinced that I am the main character in my first novel, CLEMENTINE AND THE BIG SLEAZY, a 60,000 word, chick-lit paranormal mystery. True, I am an uber-fabulous performer on the verge of rock stardom, but (a) I'm not psychic, and (b) I don't solve mysteries for the dead.

Clementine Wilder is a voluptuous, sassy thirty-something who sings rock soaked blues from the depths of her broken past. While touring with her band, the reluctant clairvoyant Clementine is badgered by needy ghosts who drag her through elaborate and titillating crime-solving missions. Along with clues from the obnoxious dead, each charade unfolds through her lucid dreams, ancient Ouija boards, and of course, palm readings, tarot cards, and tea leaves.

The adventure begins in New Orleans, when Clem is accosted in a motel bathroom by a perverted ghost, who sends her on a wild-goose chase after a missing child. Meanwhile, bassist Paul is in love with Clementine, oversexed lesbian drummer Karly is keeping her fifty girlfriends sorted, and Clem is rekindling with Mooney, the married cop she's been having a tumultuous on-again-off-again affair with for years. So! Between singing the blues, finding the kid, and sexing up the officer (meanwhile blaming it all on astrology), Clementine has her guitar-playin’ hands full.

As an independent, nationally-touring musician, I have sold over 10,000 cds. My success in music led to the groundbreaking idea of attaching an MP3 card to the cover of each book! The card will contain Clementine’s songs from gigs that appear throughout the story.

My fans have already been introduced to some of Clementine’s greatest hits at my shows and are anxiously awaiting her arrival. I look forward to finding the perfect agent to help me bring her to life. The entire six-book series is roughly outlined, and I am one hundred pages into book two, CLEMENTINE AND THE BIG APPLE BOTTOM, which takes place in New York City. The Oh My Darling! series is a necromantic rollercoaster ride, which eventually unfurls Clementine’s own puzzling past. I have the first 50 pages ready to send upon your request. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
Amy Steinberg

HERE GOES NOTHIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!